I've always been a fan of fire, though not in a detrimental fashion. I love the warmth. More so, I admire the sheer power of the energy emitted by fire - energy that can be used to destroy, but also to create. In my own life, spiritually and emotionally, I feel as if I have been waiting for fire to serve both functions in my life. I wait for it to destroy those parts of me that stem from depression, self-hatred and loathing, desires for self-harm, fear of rejection or abandonment, and many other places. When all that is finished, I wait for it to rebuild me, to forge me into a stronger, holier, more loving person who truly represents the Savior he professes. On this dreary, rainy, gloomy afternoon, after what turned out to be a fantastic Ash Wednesday service, I find myself desiring to be broken, if only for the sake of having the aforementioned negative traits purged from my system, to have the dross of my sin scraped away, leaving behind only the purest, most authentic segments of who I am, untarnished, unbroken. Yet I know that I cannot be the one to catalyze this process within me. I want to be new, to be whole, to be someone admired by others for more than just my being able to survive all the hardship and heartache previously doled out to me. I also know that, right now, I am not fully ready or willing for that process to take place... for the Creator to stare me down lovingly and ask, "Are you ready to go?" I'm not, and I don't know when I will be.
With my wedding in 51 days, I want to be as ready as I can to be the husband that I will vow myself to be. And while I know that I'm close, there is still work to be done, growth to experience, and transformation to accept. I only hope that I will have the strength to endure it, for the sake of my relationship, my sanity, and my spirituality.