I've always had a hard time with change, or more so, with the fantasies running around inside my head about them. All of the changes in my life lately have been, or are going to be, positive changes. Leaving my job. Starting school. Thinking about my eating habits. Moving in with F. All of these things are moves in a forward direction. All that aside, I'm scared. Scared that I could crack under pressure. That I will not be as good in school as I used to be. That what has been a blissfully happy relationship thus far will be irrevocably changed by sharing a full-time living space. That I will go back to smoking full time (the stress lately has led me to smoke maybe 1 or 2 a day, no more thankfully). That I will be so unwise with my finances that I dig myself into a grave so deep that escaping is not an option.
I can't cry right now. I don't know why, but so much of it seems blocked up inside of me. I just want enough of a catharsis to be able to make the transition smoothly. I want to be able to have my faith, in word, thought, and deed, feel whole again. I want to know that, even in my own head, I'm being successful, and that has always been a hard truth to accept.
I want to know that people see Christ in me, in my life. That somehow, I help them feel loved, even if only for the brief moments they cross my path. I want to be a good husband, a good partner. F. and I both share fears of fighting, of conflict. We're scared of how we may (will) hurt each other. Of sharing finances. Of being more emotionally vulnerable. Or seeing more scars or baggage than we already have of each other.
All of this is illogical, irrational. I want to be able to hold on to the concrete facts: that my faith is strongly developing, that I will be good in school, that I can not have to rely on cigarettes to ease my stress, that I am a good representation of Jesus, that I am a good man who loves his partner and tries to put him first.
So for any who read this, just offer up a prayer (or in Peter Pan language, a happy thought). For myself and my schooling and my career and my finances. For my witness. For my relationship. For those with whom I interact. For my heart.
In His Arms, M.