Nothing else matters...

Hi, I'm Michael. I'm a music whore...

While listening to Spotify today, I came across a song by Jeremy Schonfeld called "House of Love." It became my evening addiction, listening to it over and over both in the house and outside on the deck. I can't get the lyrics out of my head (listed below). I was singing along and just felt the urge to jump up and down to get my emotions out in the open. Something about this song resonates so deeply with my soul that I can't help but feel it.

I met with an old friend from college tonight for coffee. Also a former seminarian who has experienced ostracism and exclusion from the church because of his sexuality (a small part of who he is), he's fled to atheism and humanism for his faith beliefs, a shift I completely understand.

I don't want to give up on my understanding of God

It's what has always made sense in my head and in my heart. Given my experience the past few months, I'm finding "Christianity" harder and harder to hold onto. All of a sudden, Jesus has shifted from being the savior of an utterly helpless human race to a man sent by the Creator to show us how to live and to let us know, in one manifestation, just how deeply we are loved. No longer is he the only way to know God, and this is a major shift for me... an uncomfortable one. If Jesus was merely a man (albeit somehow divine in nature), then what makes Christianity different.

I feel like I'm losing it. Everything I once believed is crashing down. I'm not really losing Jesus, but who he is for me is changing, and it's painful. I don't know whether I'm right or wrong, and this is one time where I'm fearful of ambiguity. I'm so used to my understanding of Jesus being pivotal to my faith as a whole. If he didn't come to "save" us, then why come... what difference does it make? What about heaven and hell? Why does life matter? Do we matter to God? Who is God, and why does he/she/it/they care about us, or do they?

Things are changing, shifting, morphing, and I don't know what to hold onto

What parts of my faith are so important that I cannot and will not let go of them? That question came up in VFCL today, and the words that came to mind for me were brokenness, wholeness, transformation, redemption, community, and relationship. Neither Jesus nor God show up in that list, which frightens me. I thought they mattered to me. When, why, and how did they manage to disappear from that list?

I know this much...

...The one thing that desperately matters to me is love...

Without it, nothing else matters. But what's necessary for love to be made manifest in the world? Can we do it on our own, or do we need something or someone bigger to give it to us before we can dole it out to everyone around?

Again, more questions, most of which I won't be able to answer anytime soon. I need time and silence... I need to retreat...

Break down the door Slip through the window Climb down the chimney To the house of love

Use every option Try every lock and key Just step inside, you'll see In the house of love

Oh baby take a train, take a train, take an aeroplane Take a bus, take a boat, stay afloat Don't stop believing In the house of love

Oh baby look around, look around, lookin' up and down From the sky to the ground, 'til you've found it Keep on believing In the house of love

Search every angle Check twice for any old clue Hold what is dear to you In the house of love

It ain't no mystery Once known but now concealed True love will be revealed In the house of love

Oh baby take a train, take a train, take an aeroplane Take a bus, take a boat, stay afloat Don't stop believing In the house of love

Oh baby look around, look around, lookin' up and down From the sky to the ground, 'til you've found it Keep on believing In the house of love

You may feel tired You may feel like you've lost your way When you're least inspired Love is going to come and save the day

*This post comes from a journal entry written November 7, 2012*