You know what’s really sexy? A person who’s 100% comfortable with themselves. And you know what’s really funny? It is just as time consuming and difficult to learn to accept yourself as it is to pretend to be someone else. The only difference is – with self acceptance, one day, it’s not hard anymore. One day, you feel like your sexiest, strongest self just rolling out of bed in the morning — Vironika Tugaleva
Two months ago, on a Monday, my friend Alex came over and started a journey with me. After a long enough time of wavering back and forth, I decided it was time: time to love my body. That day, and a couple times since, he's come over to train me in my small but adequate apartment complex fitness center. But that's only been a couple times, which means, in the in-between-space, it's up to me to do the literal heavy lifting.
I have always had a love-hate relationship with my body: I've loved to hated and I've hated to love it. This comes out in not-so-subtle ways on a regular basis. I make jokes about baldness because it's easier than sharing how my own chrome dome is most likely a result of my experiences with bulimia and bodydysmorphia. I've alternated between working out regularly and rigorously and having no physical activity whatsoever (other than countless reps of lifting Oreos to my mouth).
I've fluctuated between obsessing about staying at 155 pounds, regardless of what that meant, and peaking above 200 pounds and not giving a shit. With the former, I could spend what felt like hours in front of a mirror, thankful that my love handles had lost a millimeter or two. With the latter, I barely looked in the mirror at all, and when I did, it was mostly to make sure that the way my shirt was tucked hid my belly as much as possible. It was to look in my eyes and solidify my self-hatred.
I am angry that I starved my brain and that I sat shivering in my bed at night instead of dancing or reading poetry or eating ice cream or kissing a boy... ― Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls
I've done many things in my thirty-two years of life to hate my body. Smoking. Excessive drinking. Binge-eating. Not eating. Since moving to Washington, getting divorced, reconnecting with faith community, making friends, and engaging with my therapist, I've made slow movement away from self-loathing towards self-love. But this change, the change in how I treat my body, is a massive one. It's meant fostering awareness of the countless times my inner critic tells me I'm fat or unattractive or undesirable, and responding with a mental middle finger.
The last two months, I've worked out regularly 3-5 times a week, mostly doing strength training. A marked shift from nearly three years ago when I would practice yoga at a studio at the end of the night because it happened in the dark, lying closest to the mirror so I could look at myself and imagine a day when I might kind of like my body.
Every person is attractive to somebody. You are. I am. Jim Bob over there is, too. Every person is probably ugly to somebody, too. You are. I am. Jim Bob over there is, too. Don’t take it personally.
And, we all need to do ourselves a favor. We need to believe people when they tell us we’re beautiful, handsome, sexy, attractive, hot, or hunkalicious, especially when that someone is somebody that we think is beautiful, handsome, sexy, attractive, hot, or babealicious.
Because you know what? They probably really think so. They probably aren’t lying. They probably don’t give a damn that you don’t look like Pamela Anderson ― Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing
I want to share something. Call it an exercise in hope and in risk...
It's one thing to send a pic in a random conversation on Grindr or Scruff, or in a text. It's another to put it in a space like this. For me, and I think for many of us who struggle with body image, with believing that we truly are sexy, beautiful, loved, it's important to see ourselves in tangible ways. Sure, I might have my tummy sucked in a bit here, but I know that I'm in the middle of a process. It's already a huge accomplishment to have made it this long with a regular routine.
You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful ― Amy Bloom
I've talked a lot about brokenness and wholeness over the years. Brokenness in the form of self-loathing, of not honoring my body as a temple, of diminishing my worth and value because I happen to be a little bit stocky. Wholeness in my search to find balance, to love myself, others, and God, in my journey towards health and wellness, in the ways I acknowledge my flaws and try to be better. I refuse to believe that my worth and my value, that my chances for having meaningful relationships are lessened because I might not have what the media and dominant culture call the ideal body. I cannot help but believe that, as my capacity for loving me increases, so does my space for loving others and loving God.
I know I'm writing less often, and I appreciate the space to be more thoughtful about what I do write. There are those who can crank out content on a daily basis. I'm learning to accept myself as not one of those people. Still, if you have an idea that You'd like me to talk about, let me know. I'm always looking to learn and grow more.
You know what else? Being sweaty really isn't all that bad... well... nevermind
photo credit: Michael Taggart (via Flickr)